Classic Star Trek Episodes : It's rock Jim, but not as we know it Essay
Captains Log , 76:83 , Stardate 2547
We are currently in orbit on the Starship Jefferson over the far out Planet Evimettil inhabited by a peaceful people called the Moshas, a group of ‘Metallites’ who live in harmony with nature, drinking natural elixirs, growing exotic herbs in their attics and gathering for tribal music at sundown.
However, we have reason to believe that the evil outlaw Count Sabbath the Dehumanizer is in hiding there alongside his brutal henchman Sambora the Bonjovian. A second cousin of Darth Vader he is regarded as bad seed even by his mother indicating how dysfuctional a family they really are.
My mission is to make contact with the Mosha tribe to gain their trust and co-operation in tracking down these fiendish villains. We expected no opposition on their part as they have always been amenable to working with Starfleet, especially since a leaked document revealed that we had orders to blow them to bits if they didn’t.
I am broadcasting over our radio frequency trying to make contact with the planet……..
“This is Commander Veelra Noyz, son of Nodi Holda of Planet Glaam, calling the people of Planet Evimettil. We invite your leaders to a round table conference to discuss finding the evil Count and his cohorts. This will be held on our Starfleet ship, (tea and biscuits will be provided) and we hope will be chaired by your great leader King Rickwake of the Keyboards and aided by the famous General Iommi of the Neon Knights Brigade.”
We received no reply but I assumed that the evil Count had something to do with this. So we transported to the Planet in search of the Mosha leadership.
Captains Log 76:84 Stardate 2547
Accompanied by Captain Peacock, Lieutenant Pigeon, and an unemployed actor with orders not to speak and most certain to be dispatched asap, we noticed the Purple Haziness of the sky and the large number of boulders on the surface.
Peacock, scanned them with his high-impact molecular density deconstructor and exclaimed “Yep, them’s definitely boulders” A Planet of rock indeed.
As expected our out of work actor was killed within hours of landing.
He was found crushed under a huge boulder that had plummeted over a cliff.
It was probably quite the biggest boulder we’ve seen yet. A remarkable planet this is for the multifarious rock formations.
Captain Peacock and Lieutenant Pigeon were similarly impressed but a heated argument broke out as to whether it was actually a rock and not a boulder. I suspected foul play from the natives as I’m sure I had seen an unknown figure on the escarpment.
Peacock then said it had to be a rock as purely by definition a boulder is too heavy to be moved. He thought he had outsmarted me but I’m not a commander for nothing. I contended that this only applied to humanoids and we have no way of knowing the strength of aliens on this planet. He looked suitably crestfallen.
After this analytical exchange we fought it out by calling each other rude names and disparaging our respective families until he lashed out with his fists. It had been coming for a long time. He still resented being passed over for a Commandership and it didn’t help that I got the job.
Obviously this had been a festering sore on his delicate psyche ever since. It’s just as well he never found out that I put a thripple tablet in his morning coffee on the day of the final test making his hand-eye co-ordination out of sync by a few milliseconds.
He was in absolutely no danger as he was transported back to the academy before the hover-cruiser hit the mountain. They do deduct 5% of his wages to pay for it though, but since he’s teetotal he doesn’t miss the money.
Tempers were raised until I eventually threatened him with a small piece of rock, “That’s not a rock!” he argued “That’s a stone!” So I cracked him over the head with it.
“Can you tell the difference” I asked,
“Uuuuuuh!!!…. No”, he mumbled in reply,
“Well then, case closed!” I concluded.
Captains Log 76:85 Stardate 2547
The Court Martial was convened and overseen by Rear-Admiral Lynn Mansun a hard-bitten veteran and a practising homicidal. He had a fierce countenance and a fiery temper, especially since he had been christened with a girls name.
On one notorious occasion he fell over a safety cone left out on a wet floor by one of the cleaners on the Starship Poughkeepsie.
He ordered the poor woman sent to Station XK5566-DN009-B on the Planet Festoon, a very dry and desolate planet which suffers from perpetual wind. The irony was not lost on Mansun’s colleagues who regularly joined him for dinner.
But for the cleaning lady Planet Festoon was Domestic-Services Hell as dirt and dust invaded every nook and cranny of the station.
I feared the worst, but my salvation seemed assured as luckily Peacock had suffered complete memory loss of the assault and Lt Pigeon had been bought off by my promise of a fast track promotion.
Admiral: …….. I hereby declare this Court Martial open. Clerk, read out the charge.
Clerk of the Court : Commander Veelra Noyz, you are charged that on the 22nd January 2547 you did greviously and with malice aforethought strike a subordinate officer with a rock….
Prosecutor: It was a stone!
Clerk:……with a rock over the head causing him concussion, extreme embarasssment and loss of memory. How do you plead?
Admiral: Yes! How do you plead?
Me: On my hands and knees your ladyship.
Admiral:: How dare you!! I’ll have you strung up for that! Guilty or not guilty?
Me: Can I phone a friend?
Admiral: STOP IT!! STOP IT!!
Me: How about 50/50 with the audience?
Admiral: Stop this insolence, remember who you are talking too?
Me: Oh yes! Didn’t quite get your full name
Admiral: RIGHT! ENOUGH! , Clerk of the Court …….. what are you sniggering at?…..Desist! Now enter a plea of insanity, it’ll make things more interesting if nothing else.
Admiral: Call the first witness
Clerk: Call Lt Pigeon!!
Lt Pigeon entered the courtroom and took the oath.
Prosecutor: Lt Pigeon, tells us about the events of that day.
Pigeon: Didn’t see anything mate , I’d popped behind a big boulder for a Jimmy Riddle.
Admiral: And who is this Mr Riddle?
Prosecutor: No, your honour , that’s Cockney rhyming slang for a……..
Admiral: DAMN AND BLAST!! I won’t have any Cockney nonsense in my court. Charge him with contempt. In fact put him in the brig at once, incarcerate him, clap him in irons, any old irons!!
Pigeon: Gordon Bennett! He’s in a right two and eight the old tomtit.
Admiral: What did he say?? Stenographer, read that back.
Stenographer: He said “God on bennies, inner right tuna ate the Oldham tit”
Admiral: That’s not what he said, what drivel are you writing there man?
Clerk of the Court: Sorry your honour, I’m afraid he’s all we could get at short notice. He works for the BBC subtitles service.
Admiral: Hold him in contempt too, I’ll keep notes myself. If you want a job done right, do it yourself I say. Now next witness.
Clerk: Call the Schoolmaster!!!
Schoolmaster: I should’ve known he’d come tae no good in the end yer honour, if only I had mer time I coulda flayed him intae shape!!
Prosecutor: I haven’t asked you anything yet. Sit down and swear the oath.
Schoolmaster: Ah promise Ah havnae touched a bloody drop aw day, hic!!
Admiral: He’s drunk, CONTEMPT!! And enter a plea of insanity for him too. Next witness!!
Clerk: Call Captain Peacock!!
A voice replies from the corridor
Peacock: He’s not here.
Admiral: OH MY GOD!! Drag him in man, he’s the only witness we have left.
Peacock is dragged into the courtroom
Peacock: Easy easy! Your scraping my slippers.
Admiral: Get in here you idiot!
Peacock: Who’s the old dude with the red face?
Admiral: I am Admiral Lynn Mansun and I demand respect from all of my subordinates. Now! Proceed!!
Clerk: Tell the court your name.
Peacock: I give up.
Admiral: BLAST!! Your name, your name!! Can’t you even remember your name
Peacock: No! But I won’t forget yours in a hurry.
Things were going better than expected for me, the court was descending into utter chaos. I could be back on duty before lunchtime.
Captains Log 76:86 Stardate 2547
However, my 2 day suspension proved to be quite fruitful as I’d brought many fine samples of stones, rocks and indeed small boulders back from the planet.
A little marble stone was similar in shape to a head so I painted a funny face on it for the mantlepiece, I called it ‘Clarence the crossed-eyed Klingon’
With the rest I’d managed to get the ships garden rockery back into shape after it had been vandalised. They should never have let kids on board these Starfleet ships, the graffiti is shocking.
It would never have happened in Captain Kirk’s day. I know this because he told me so himself after teleporting through the local time-gate last week for a game of skittles. He always seems to pop-up on a regular basis.