May Home Never Break You Essay
My arm twisted to the brink of pain I did not think existed. “Please Don’t harm me, I did not mean to alarm you, I guarantee!”
“whisper in my ear, that it’s me you hold dear!”
I beg you don’t hurt me anymore, I don’t wanna end up bloody on the floor again”
“DO WHAT I TELL YOU THEN!”
Blood dripping on the floor, I should have known my place. This time he would rather cut me, instead of whipping my face. I tried to embrace him in his drunk state of mind, but I should have waited, left my empathy behind.
I knew he was mentally wounded, but ultimately we both concluded that I walked my line thin, I should not have been so rude to him. “Don’t expect love, have some self-respect” he loathed to reject me, I needed to self correct. Just be a little more perfect.
Wiping my nose while the blood flows. soon, everything is forgotten, that’s how it usually goes. On the outside.
I divide my heart in blows and bleeding, love is misleading, exceedingly goes further to feel loved I suppose.
I try to fix my broken base, my last living kid is loved, my save-space.
The door is closed, my heart screams for forgiveness. The beating sounds like war, I hear my son claw on the locked door. “god, forgive us, don’t let me witness my son wearing my sons blood.”
I have always been a good christian, praying daily in front of the cross on the kitchen door. But god did not listen that day. My son was laying face-down on the floor, not sure what happened. A pool of blackened blood, poured down between the cracks on the ground, profoundly pounded senseless.
“Find some ice for my hand, woman.” I looked at my son, then began to walk. Away from the one who needed me the most. Can’t help, can only just save myself, not him from post mortem.
I cried silently, violently I pictured a heinous act, death by a single impact. Neatly, discreetly, completely gone. That way we could carry on, just me and my first born. “God forgive me, hear this silent plea. Is there an escape I just don’t see?”
The hallway choked me, I couldn’t see, couldn’t catch my breath, exhausted when this close to death.
I leaned against the wall, I felt I was about to fall. The wall felt both soft and rigid, the pictures of my son in my head, was so vivid. Committed to save my remaining son, I went looking for my husbands gun.
I was overrun by hatred. I hated that he had me persuaded to not save my son from aggravated assault, believing it was my own fault. I loaded the gun, I had to run.
“Hurry up bitch, or you’ll end up in a ditch!”
I slowed down, just in time to reach the doorway.
“MOVE AWAY, STAY BACK, OR I WILL ATTACK!”
“relax darling, no need to be quarreling. I love you. You know I do. you Put down the gun now. I vowed to be nice, just name your price.”
“JESUS CHRIST, you are shameless! Our family will never be stainless, but at least it will be painless.”
A bullet went off. I started to panic. The blast sounded so metallic. A volcanic spout of blood confirmed his death, he slowly took his last breath.
Beaten senseless. Laying defenseless, a bloody yet breathing mess. His chest was moving, but his breath was not improving.
“ohhhh my baby boy!”. I felt my heart break. Fully awake dead, but only in my head.
Completely motionless. I checked for life-sign, but his pulse was in rapid decline. I felt his soul pass my body with gentle grace. I stared at his empty face, he had left this place, the deadly embrace of guilt, nothing more to rebuilt.
My veins were swollen, my baby boy stolen from me. I could not see, my tears hit the ground, made my face wet, yet I could not make a sound, bound to be, I was choking, air ran out, I wanted to shout.
“MY BABY BOY, how can I ever do without!” Screaming for my life like never before, a mental knife placed firmly in my heart, scarred I picked up my husbands gun once more. With total disregard of my own being, not guarded for seeing my second dead son bleeding, I wanted to stop here. I felt my last will to live evicted.
I wanted to disappear because of the pain I was inflicted.
I slowly moved the gun inside my mouth. “How did my whole life go south like this?” Slowly drifting into the abyss, just one more kiss. “Dear Reaper, please give me this last wish, clear my path so I can drift deeper, ease my welcome, do not let me succumb to the one my husband have become. I welcome your kiss of death. Now help me take my last breath.